This is for those who have lost someone close to them and who feels that they have lost their purpose and how to deal with their loss and situation. I suppose I better start from the beginning, or close to it so you can see where I'm coming from. If your reading this because of bereavement then you know ... how I feel or rather felt, so I understand how you feel.
My dad passed away recently on December 30th 2007 after his 85th birthday on the 28th December, he picked up the norovirus while in hospital. Although his health wasn't perfect at 85 years he had a positive outlook and would always have a 'certain' smile.
His name was Horace, he was also called 'Joe' as he was called by many when he worked in the rubber industry. His wife Esther passed away just over a year ago, she died of cancer. And dad was slowly coming to terms with his loss.
He was born in a small mining community in South Wales in the UK, and working as a miner in the early years. When married with a family he wanted more out of life and moved us all to the west country in England where he found his main employment in the rubber industry. A condensed version to where we are now.
A thought that is always in my mind is that he used to come and visit me on a Monday morning after going into town. As I am self employed I put time by to do my accounting/books on a Monday morning, that way I am uninterrupted!!!
And, as I am the nearest a nice stop off for a cup of coffee.
It was always when I was just getting into it that he would call. He would stay for about an hour and then go home. It would take me quite a while to get 'back into' the flow of what I was doing earlier.
Looking back I am more greatful for those visits although inconvenient, as he wanted to be part of my family as best he could and I wanted to be in his life.
As the eldest, I felt I wanted to do something special for dad that would honour him. I wanted to carry him with other men in the family who ment something to him to make him proud.
As he was carried there would be me front right, my son (we call him young un or little Glenn, I'm Glen with one 'n' although he's taller and bigger than me), he will be on my left. Behind me will be one of my sisters son Luke, to his left will be a grandson of my dad, Josh.
Behind him would be Gary partner of Hayley, one of the girls on mothers side. To his right would be Steve partner of Margaret, mum's daughter a tall lad.
In the middle of the back row would be Sean partner of Teresa one of the daughters of mum.
I also wanted a record of the event so engaged a photographer to cover the carrying of the coffin. Dad would have liked that.
When he died my sisters worked well (I have three) by doing their 'bit' with the funeral arrangements etc. One who lives near, Eira has cancer and is working well to encourage the disease to 'go away'.
Another, Diane, who lives a two hour drive away did well by putting together an album of pictures of dad and our families over the years. All sides of the family worked well in attending to dad's affairs, disposing of furnishings, giving a bed's, wardrobes etc to charities.
Dad had an interest in spiritualism, he gave healing to many, and part of his life he attended the local spiritual church and made many friends.
So it was fitting that we had a spiritualist to take the service, Margaret Stanley who was very helpful in bringing it all together.
We decided that a wake would be best, full of laughter, to celebrate dad's life that's what he would have liked. Even at the service we listened to exerts of Max Boyce, the welsh comedian with rugby in his blood.
You could not help but laugh even trying to contain a laugh would be nearly impossible. We took pity on the english by keeping the hymns that were sang in english rather than welsh. Songs chosen with plenty of 'hwyle'.
This is welsh and pronounced hoyle. It means further, so in this context it means give it what you got! So, imagine, hymns being sang in welsh, ok english. The ambiance, the vibrations, the connection. It was really moving and dad I know would have been proud.
We held a reception after the funeral at a local hotel, they understood our needs and catered accordingly. We had welsh songs being played, welsh cakes and all goodies to eat. A merry time was had by all.
We laughed a lot, and with many families travelling quite a distance it was good to be them and 're-connect'.
Ok, we are nearly there. "How I dealt with the loss of dad (and still dealing with it but on a different level)".
People were very sympathetic as one would expect, saying sorry for the loss etc, and how he will be missed. Sometimes someone would pat you on the back and say 'sorry for your loss'.
Now if this happens a lot, there will be an imprint in your mind that you associate sadness (your loss) with a pat on the back. So without correcting the pattern of behaviour (the pat on the back AND the feelings that go with it) you will feel the way you did at the time it originated. Feeling bad.
I remember this well as it made an impression on me when I heard it. It came from "The One Minute Manager". It happened to me in a similar way. A neighbour who I hadn't seen for a while saw me in the street and said "how sorry she was to hear of dad passing away".
And of course I had the imprint, but by recognising what was happening I could alter my way of thinking and change my pattern of behaviour.
I believe I have a good positive attitude. However, there are times when one is tested and sometimes one it not as positive as one could be, and then it's starts a downward spiral unless you see what is happening and change the behaviour.
By my desk a have an A4 sheet of paper helping me to see where I am, seeing where my attitude is. Now please I'm not suggesting that bottle up and ignore your feelings, if anything the more you cry the better you become, it's a form of release. Listed below is what I use, see what it can do for you.
Attitude Determines Attitude
I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfil today. I am important. my job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
Today I can complain because because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.
Today I can grumble about me health or I can rejoice that I am alive.
Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.
Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.
Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is up to you. You get to choose what kind of day you will have!
Also talking to someone could be helpful. I also spoke to one of my mentors who told me "mum and dad loved you ... love you ... you have NOTHING to do for them ... except remember them for the lovely people they were ... and the loving son you always were and will always be".
Still moves me every time I read it. He also said that "if mum and dad were looking down on you now what would they like, a weak Glen or a strong man? Well, we all know the answer and what to do about it.
You see it's all inside you, me too ... and in time it will pass ... but at the moment it's not meant to pass ...it's meant for a time of refection and remembrance ... so if you need to cry JUST DO IT. And if you do it for years then look at why.
Having someone to confide in and 'connect' with can and will help you on your journey. Is there someone you can talk to?
Look up quotations that you may have kept to keep you uplifted and in spirit, and remember keep away from those who sap your energy and leave you worse off than you were before. Stay in company of positive people those who have a healthy mindset. I'm sure that what will work for one may not work for another, so be open to all things.
It is important to keep the body in shape. Even doing the simplest of yoga exercises with the smallest of time will help you.
By exercising you create blood flow to where it needed and flushing out the system at the same time. Have a massage also.
Meditating will also help to calm the mind and a time to reflect.
Go for walk either on your own or with someone you can connect with. Enjoy sunsets and if you like watch the sun rise. Pets are good company at times like this, they seem to know that something is up. And some will take longer to heal than others, we are all different. Time is a Great Healer.
It can also help to write things down how you feel, what's happening to you right now, a daily journal perhaps. There is no easy answer to your grieving, we all have our own way of dealing with it. There is no right or wrong way. Perhaps you would like to consider seeing a conseller in bereavement.
So if your feeling down and you want uplifting, what can we do? Well, another one of my mentors is Deepak Chopra a doctor in USA.
He experimented in his hospital by stimulating the senses of his patients. He would take each sense and see how that sense would be stimulated and how quickly
the patient recovered. The recovery was remarkable and he repeated the process in other hospitals.
So just for the sake of conversation, humour me, lets take your senses right now.
What have we got? We have sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. How can you stimulate your senses?
First Sight. This is what Deepak Chopra did. He took the view of his patients that when they came into hospital the hospitals looked the same. All white, clinically so they were already kind of programmed that hospitals were for the ill.
Ok, I know that's were people go to get better. He took the view that his patients were seeing things that way so how could he change it? He had the wards etc painted in warm welcoming colours to lift the spirits of his patients.
Next the sense of Hearing. He played music wherever he could so his patients were happier and relaxed (reducing tension).
Taste. The taste buds were stimulated so the food that they ate not only did it taste good and was healthy it was presented in a manner so it looked good also.
Smell. The smell receptors also were stimulated not only by the food, but by other means. Such as flowers where they were allowed. Fragrances were used to make the wards/rooms smell nice. Even down to the lift where many complained of the smell of disinfectant. To lose the 'hospital' smell was very important and proved a great success.
And finally Touch. You know when you have something nice next to your skin, how do you feel? Nice things to make you feel better, although a bit limited to if you are in a hospital gown, but you get my point. Touch went a stage further by giving massage. There aren't many people who have not felt how it feels just to have your shoulders massaged. Just imagine a full body massage!
Putting all this together brought him excellent results and recovery was quicker than with previous methods.
So we can do the same. See what you can do to stimulate your senses.
You may not feel like doing anything, but let me ask you, wouldn't you like to feel a little better?
All you have to do is give a try, see what you can do. The longest better? The longest journey starts with the first step and you've already done that, so take another step and another so you are at the place where you want to be.
I hope that the above helps you and inspires you on your journey, and maybe with your own experiences you too can help others on their journey.
PS. If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you are with.
PPS. Try this:-
1. What are 5 things I am grateful for now?
2. What are 5 of my strengths or positive traits?
3. What are 5 of my best achievements so far?
4. Who are the 5 people who love me the most?
5. What 5 things am I looking forward to in the next 7 days?
